How to be a Republican

By Dan McNeese The Arbiter November 08, 2004 Let's face it, being a liberal isn't working. All the hours of being open minded, caring for your fellow man and improving the nation just doesn't pay off. It's time to surrender. The textbook definition of surrender is join the winning team. In this case the 'winners' are Republicans. Yes, it's time to trade your bleeding heart for a bleeding ulcer and conform.

Here are some tips on becoming a Republican.

Be afraid of anyone different than you.

There are too many minorities and they are up to no good. They will overrun this country and make sure white America can't be successful in business. Hate everyone who isn't white, but subtly act nice when they are around.

Get a gun

Hell, get as many as you can. The second amendment is still in effect and with the Bush administration it's now easier than ever to get weapons that will vaporize whatever it is you need to shoot. After all, you do need to shoot stuff. At least you need to think you need to shoot stuff.

Loathe the first amendment.

The Constitution is out of date. Who cares why we came here in the first place? Endorse the idea there should be prayer in public schools. Our president supports the idea so it must be a good one. Stress the importance of censorship and the evils of public opinion. It will only get in the way of your family values.


Do what you are told and don't think for yourself. If you are going to be a Republican it's best not to show any signs of individuality because that would conflict with what should be considered 'normal.'. It would also help to get involved with a major organized religion, that way you'll just be a number in society and not yourself. You'll want to be a number because no one likes a defiant.

Join a large church congregation.

The bigger the religion the better. It doesn't matter what church you belong to, but to be a good Republican you'll want to be part of a major one. Interpret the Bible in the most literal fashion and justify homicide against those whom you are told don't. Crucify the idea of funding for programs that may go against your interpretation.

Don't question what you are told.

This goes along with conformity. If the president says something, it must be true. Even if he retracts what he says it is important to always believe he is right. This is big, because it will be happening a lot more in the next four years. Questioning the government is unpatriotic and you shouldn't do it. Remember: Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh are always right.

Become a good old boy."

To be a Republican you'll have to long for the good ol' days that never were. It is a misconception that this country was once a better place to live 50 years ago. It's a misconception that is vital if you want to be a Republican. Fear change, get a pick-up truck and two or three dogs to boot.

Hate Social Security.

Actually, hate all social programs. You work hard for your money, why should grandpa get it. True, he can't take care of himself and is a veteran of two wars, but he should have thought of that before he got ill. There is no reason the money you earn should go to help your city or state either. In America it's every man for himself and we can't prosper in our American dream if we have to pay taxes.

Strive for a school-less community.

Always vote against anything that supports the idea of public schools. Those union working teachers are only going to teach our kids liberal propaganda that the democrats invoke. Home or private school your child, that way they won't be subjected to diversity and the real world. You can teach them what they should be taught: religion and your idea of moral values.

Move to the suburbs.

There is too much culture in the city and that means more crime. It's a fact that white people don't commit crime and there are only white people like you in a subdivision. Pick one with a eutopic style name like 'Rancho Republico' or 'White Estates.' The more gates the better.

Ignore what's really going on.

Pay little to no attention on social and global political issues. The less you know the better. The truth only gets in the way of happiness, and to acknowledge the truth means getting out of your comfort zone. If something doesn't affect you, pretend it's not worth caring about. This means only caring about your common interest and not that of humanity. Always try to benefit at the risk of others. Ignorance and arrogance are bliss so why waste energy worrying. If you are to be a Republican you can't have compassion for those not in your business/blood line (even then it's okay to only think of yourself).

Listen to country music.

This one isn't as important, but the most successful Republicans listen to country music and after reading this list it's obvious you should do what you are told. So there they are, the 12 steps to becoming a Republican. It may be hard to digest this all at once but remember to take it one day at a time.

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